I tried to stop the cymbalta and i crashed. drinking has to stop. the neurologist told me i could be at risk after my other health issues. obsessing over n. moving on and that he looks so happy. he went away with his new gf and she and he both look great. meanwhile, i am the fattest ive ever been. i even forced c. to admit it and he did. i saw him looking at my legs. i could tell he was disgusted when he was rubbing my feet. he said he remembers them being thinner when we met. they weren't. they've always been huge. i don't feel like i can cope with all that's going on. i wish i could run away someplace but i would probably find ways to stay connected to here. i feel like my body has betrayed me and my mind tortures me. i wish i could free myself from it but i just can't.

i tried to go to bed early to get up for the gym. i was up all night. thinking about food every time and shitting my brains out half the time from the laxatives. the bloat went away but i was still craving the carbs really bad. i had a fucking omelette this morning after obsessing all the way to work about how bad i wanted a muffin from starbucks instead but i got the omelette and i'm miserable. i still want that muffin. i need to take off the 10lbs i gained back but it's so hard on this low carb diet. i'm moody, irritable, depressed, tired and disoriented. there's got to be an easier way. do other people obsess this much?

the neurologist says it's stress. and i should just change my lifestyle. do yoga. relax. okkaaayyy. so then r had told me to call him after the doctor. of course, i did one of those little tests that i like to do that i always know how they're going to end up and the person's never going to pass, and i waited to see if HE would care enough to call, and of course he didn't, so being the pathetic man-chaser that i am, i found an excuse to call him and then when he asked how it went, pretended that i didn't want to discuss it until he insisted that he cared even though i could only just imagine him there with a ham sandwich in one hand and his d-k in the other, bored out of his mind, jerking off to amuse himself and thinking about his grocery list while i'm talking. why do i bother? if this jackass showed the slightest bit of interest in me, i probably would stop caring within a month. actually, not true. why am i such a sucker for anyone who shows the slightest bit of kindness? but like that book said, it's a choice, not an inherent quality, and as the book said, he's not showing me his character, he was trying to hook me in and it worked. got to meet someone else, fast!

I started taking the oxycontins because the imitrex wasn't helping with the migraines. of course, i had to go party like a rockstar and i still had the migraine anyway. the fucking things do nothing to help. i just feel headachey and i'm tired and look like a drunk and a druggie and piss everyone off. evidently i was all over the gay thing with rob so much so that he called me a crazy bitch and called d and told her to get me out of his house. so she picked me up and i blacked out and thought we were still going walking the next day. she told me in a text that i need to " get rid of the demons that plague me" and that i'm trying to kill myself with pills and alcohol. don't think so. although you do get the suicidal thoughts but they're random and passing and i would never act on them. it's more curious and odd that they come up suddenly and you find yourself wondering why you're thing how you're going about your day and all of the sudden you find yourself thinking how you could just drive into that tree if you wanted to, even though  you don't think you're sad one bit. but that would just take away a lot of work with doctor appts and work and boys and nonsense like that.

so then i spent all yesterday feeling like shit and letting my shitty slutty drunken friends tell me how shitty I am and believed them. i called A because i knew he wouldn't judge me and we walked the beach and took some xannies to calm our nerves and i didn't feel one bit bad about that cause quite frankly, i think the shit was clinically indicated at that point. then rob wrote me that we can talk today and i told him how i'm full of shit about the oxies and i'm writing that i'll "tell him the whole story" like i'm going to make this big confession like i'm some kind of big drug addict or something and i have a problem, when i really want to tell him to jump off a cliff and that i know he's so f-d up that he can't even have a computer in his own house because he got himself so addicted to porn, and d is so judgmental about my drinking when meanwhile she got drunk 5 years ago and pissed herself and breezies. pleeeeaaaseee. these people are such assholes. at least when i screw up i can admit it. i deleted rob's number and i'm not reaching out to d any more. pound salt, motherfuckers!!!!

Part of the problem is the late night eating and the carb cravings. I think I need to get some more protein snacks. I hope to god I can be in control today. I'm starting to be afraid that I'm just going to become obese. since I was in the hospital, I went fron 5 days a week at the gym to none. I've just  become a squishy mess.

today:
1 fage yogurt (peach) 

 weight today 133.5

i would love to get to 125 by next friday but i know i would have to really start working harder.  i skipped the yogurt today since i overslept and just had fruit.
feeling very tired all the time.

1 cup mixed fruit
large tea with skim milk 
1 small apple
rice & beans
3 musketeers bar- wtf!! i inhaled it like i had never seen chocolate before! 
then I had wendy's for dinner:
2 chicken nuggets (5pc)
small fries
1pc dried pineapple
1 glass wine

I can't stop the bingening. I feel like I have totally spiralled out of control.

  it used to be so easy for me to lose weight, even when i cheated a little. i don't know if this is normal. i get bored a lot and i'm hungry and i don't have time to work out- really, i don't. most days, i work a 14 hour day and i am exhausted. i have tried going in the morning and sometimes i go at lunch but when i do get there, i feel like i never get a good workout like i did when i was younger. i think i need to really stay focused on what i am eating and maybe look for a new job so i don't lose the time in my life commuting.  i just want to lose these cottage cheese thighs and ass and be able to do situps like i used to. i think that not seeing results quickly like i used to is what is really starting to discourage me. it's like nothing changes, so i sabotage myself.

weight down to 133.5

today:
small oatmeal with granola (made with skim milk)
2 slim fast snack bars
2 glasses H20
1 cup coffee with regular milk
1 diet pepsi
salad
balsamic dressing
chick pea salad
1 and a half beef tacos
6-7 nachos

no alcohol!!! woo hoo!!!

2 pieces chocolate:(

my weight is up to 134. i will have to work harder. today:

1 cup tea with skim milk
nonfat yogurt with 1/3 cup lowfat granola
1pc dried pineapple
1 slice pizza with tomatoes and onions
1 slim fast snack bar
1 cup lowfat lentils
1 cup cool whip
1 16oz beer
2 pc. chocolate.

holy shit i am out of control.

1 piece mango
nonfat yogurt with 1/4 cup lowfat granola
large coffee w whole milk
1 apple
1 slimfast snack bar (120 calories)
1 piece teryaki chicken
shredded carrots with ginger sauce 
1 cup rice a roni
1/2 cup cool whip
1 glass reisling

elliptical- 20min
cross country ski-10 min
leg lifts- 70
situps-40